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November 15, 2010

Failure Pattern Busting - Step 1

The first step in busting your failure patterns is aware.  What this means is you shift from automatically responding in the same way you always have to consciously choosing your response to a situation.  Here's the thing though.  It's the intense situations where this needs to be practiced the most.  This is for those times when you are tired, frustrated, not on top of your game or when you are triggered by something someone says or does.  These are the times you want to be on guard for automatic responses. 

 

For example,  manipulation triggers me.  If it seems like someone is trying to get something from me by tricking me with manipulation, I am likely to get short with them and get away as quickly as possible.  If I can't get away, I'm likely to cut them off with a terse response shutting them down.  This does damage to the relationship and it is highly possible I misread the intention.  This has happened with employees, clients, family members, and friends.  Heck, it's happened with perfect strangers! 

 

What I could do instead is stop and ask a question, "what is it that you are asking me to do?" or "let me make sure I understand what you are asking?" In the playback I can hold up the manipulation and the person can choose to back off or change the tone of their request.

 

How do you know when you have been triggered?  You know those moments when your react without thinking.  Maybe at a driver who just cut you off, with a co-working who helped himself to your lunch, or the kids who won't stop fighting.  Once the moment passes you realize you over-reacted.  That's being triggered.  It's a highjacking by your amygdala.  The part of your brain that develops emotional reactions early in life.  Well described by Daniel Goleman, author of emotional intelligence.

 

 

Becoming aware of your automatic responses is a process.  It will not happen all at once because you've been doing it since you were very young.  At first you won't catch it until after it has happened.  Then, soon, you will catch it while it is happening.  After a while you will be able to catch it just before it happens.  Eventually, you will develop the habit of consciously choosing your responses under pressure MOST of the time. 

 

Why MOST of the time.  Because you are human.  You will mess up.  And when you do, the recovery process is very simple.  Take responsibility, apoligize for any damage done to the relationship and go easy on yourself.  It happens.

 

Next step two. . .

Posted by Nancy Ballinger at 12:50 pm
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